A quick pivot but necessary.

I cant do this. They hate me. Im not a good parent. The siblings think I love the baby more. This is never going to end. We shouldnt have (adopted, had a child). I am never going to bond with this child. So and So is a better (mom/dad).

Intrusive thoughts are constant in parenting. Particularly during vulnerable periods of time like when a baby or child first enters your home, certain milestones or stages which are sensitive to you, during stressful periods of life, or when your own health and wellness is not in the most stable or healthiest of places. 

The difficult part of intrusive thoughts is we all make two common mistakes: we try to ignore or challenge them OR we assume they are true or more true than they are. Both of these mistakes give intrusive thoughts energy. We can sometimes cause them to become more true than they originally were. 

To demonstrate these two mistakes I like to play a game in therapy. Both common techniques. The first you are asked to picture a yellow school bus. Then for a minute you try not to picture or think about a yellow school bus. This is exceptionally difficult. This demonstrates how avoiding a thought or trying to avoid a thought actually increases your likelihood of having it. Instead acknowledge it and find a strategy to move on. Lets play the game again, acknowledge you thought of the school bus the first time it pops up then say the alphabet backwards skipping every other letter. I imagine you will not think about the school bus as often.

The second strategy is to think to yourself, the sky is green. The sky is not green but I can make you think this many times if I want to by simply having you repeat it, having you read it, having you hear it. But its not true. This strategy reminds us, thoughts are not always true. They are based on things we see, hear, smell and experience around us, even subconsciously. They are based on worries, traumas, stressors and fears.

There are many strategies but I like to keep it simple. If we can acknowledge where they are coming from, allow them to simply exist, and then immerse ourself in the present situation or in a distraction technique we will be in a much healthier space mentally.

 For example today when I kept thinking my other kids are going to think I love the baby more I did the following. I acknowledged I have guilt over spending time bonding with this baby and sitting to heal my body which prevents me from playing as much. I worry they will interpret this as favoritism and not biologically necessary. I then distracted myself by immersing myself in finding an activity to engage the children in (red light green light with indoor bikes) and talking to them about skin to skin and baby brains during dinner and encouraging them to do skin to skin with me too. 

I want to acknowledge this does not suddenly make intrusive thoughts disappear. Over time it should decrease intensity or frequency, but they will not go away. However, all the reactions that come after them: The energy spent perseverating and the potential stress reactions like shutting down, yelling, shaming, more negative self talk, nagging, etc, should decrease immensely. Even if it may not seem like it since measuring what isn't happening is nearly impossible to do. 

With that, remember, they will happen. They do happen. They are not true. They are Fear. FEAR NOT FACT is a great affirmation to repeat to yourself.