Bonding with Babe: Baby Prep 5
While I live in newborn hood myself these blogs are quite delayed, sorry! Thus, a quick and easy one as it relates to prepping for baby; bonding!
For me, bonding is simply providing opportunities to connect with the child during the first two weeks of life. Considerations for this are simple, what are ways that feel safe to you and allows you to connect with your newborn.
I consider two simple reflections. First, think about what brings or brought you, at any time in your life, a sense of connection, safety, love, and joy. Is it touch? Is it music or movement? Is it a shared hobby? Is it traditions? Is it a culture or religious based practice like food or prayer?
All these things can be shared with your child even at such a young age.
If its touch you can massage lotions or oils or just massage your baby. You can bath together. You can babywear. You can kiss and hug and hold your baby. Newborns cannot be spoiled. If it's gifts you can start a tradition for month pictures with a new item or theme or spend time googling types of traditions and start one. If it's music you can learn lullabies or sing your favorite songs. If it's movement you can slow dance with your baby or do baby yoga in a carrier or in arms. If it's a shared hobbies you can start reading about that hobby or talking about it or bring them if its safe and you're healed and emotionally ready. Or start a new hobby you’ve dreamed of doing, or plan intentionally such as googling where you will go and/or what you will need, adding it to a calendar or plan when healed and able to do so. If its religion shared scriptures or audio church in the background each day. If its foods you cant feed baby but baby can smell and be around the aromas and stories of food.
I then encourage myself or others to reflect on their childhood. There is this famous piece about the angels and shadows in the nursery, meaning the positive memories and challenging. Without triggering, yourself you can gently think about what caretakers did which felt connecting or disconnecting to better understand what is important to you. Often even in trauma survivors there are people in our childhoods who made us feel cared for or we know what made us not feel connected and this in itself helps us learn.
From those reflections we remember other aspects which aid or hurt bonding such as unconditional love or positive regard (meaning even in hard moments knowing someone cared), humor, a sense of peace or calm, or a role model in some way (career or life). And many others. While some of these may not be able to be integrated completely, it is important to acknowledge the traits these individuals exuded or the behaviors they had cannot be done if we do not care for ourselves, stay reasonably regulated (we are human and make mistakes!), or meet our own needs. Comradery, self care tools like breath, affirmations, muscle relaxation, finding times for a break, connecting online or in person with like individuals, nutrition, rest (even if sleep isnt possible), and other tools will be helpful
Which means, prepping early can help. I will do a blog about self care and prep related but for some ideas things such as have food prepped for the first two weeks in freezers, having affirmations printed out, joining online groups for similar due dates, finding local library baby events, having your favorite snacks or tools available, having nice bath soaps or anything that adds rest, having a plan for check ins, these things can significantly support or hurt your ability to bond as it helps or hurts your ability to stay sane and regulated.
I then consider and reflect on what are basic ways babies try to connect which may or may not have come up in your reflections. You can search this, but I can add some basic considerations. Eye contact, touch, words, and soothing. These can be done easily. Ensuring every feeding starts with complete focus and eye contact and not phone or distractions. Finding time each day to do skin on skin or if that does not feel safe to rub baby feet or hands. Choose a book (or ten) a day to read to the baby and choose one time of day to talk about dreams or hopes or love or anything joyful. And soothing, when baby is distressed keeping an even tone sing, rock, shush, white noise, hold, and be present and calm for baby.
Lastly, for those who are able: pregnancy is a great time to start bonding. Babies can actually remember the song or repetitive short things you say or read to them in utero. Picking your favorite nursery rhyme or book to sing/read to them in pregnancy (or provide audio to the surrogate or pregnant person if adopting), saying affirmations about your relationship, touching your belly or massaging lotions every day, and coming up with traditions. These can all be helpful in starting that relationship.
It is important to note, some may struggle with bonding in postpartum period. There is nothing wrong with you. Trying these things can help, but sometimes you need professional help. Similarly, someone whose conception or journey to newbornhood was/is complicated (abuse, losses, adoption, uncertainty of desire to have child, gender disappointment) can also be impacted. Again, some of these tools may help but you probably will need additional tools to do so. Hopefully I can do a blog on this eventually but know again, nothing is wrong with you. This makes sense.
Bonding IS NOT a thing that just happens for everyone. NOTHING is wrong with you if its hard or not done for a while. That does not doom your relationship or make you a monster. Bonding is often a skill that can be built over time with the right help.
How have you bonded with baby or hope to?
